Buy shit!

You’ve seen him. His name is Billy Mays. He has shouted encouragement to you to purchase such fine teevee products as OxiClean, OrangeGlo, NeverScrub, Sealtite, Steam Buddy, Turbo Tiger, Lint-B-Gone, Mighty Mend It and, lest we forget, Gator Grip. And when I say shouted encouragement, I mean motherfucking SHOUTED it.

According to his Wikipedia entry, the dude honed his pitchman craft at a young age on the Atlantic City boardwalk, hocking “portable washing devices” to passersby. Apparently not able to discern the subtle differences between the bustling boardwalk and a quiet television studio, Billy took his all-bearded, all-shouting sales stylings to home viewers without any calibration to his own MOTHERFUCKING VOLUME.

Sometimes I leave the teevee on in the other room while I go to drain the dragon, get a beer, whatever. That’s when Billy breaks onto the scene with an EXTREMELY MOTHERFUCKING CONVENIENT PRODUCT I DON’T KNOW HOW I LIVED WITHOUT, and I will actually get startled by the sonofabitch. Even in an era where all commercials are mixed louder than the shows, this fuzzy, bear-like motherfucker manages to make me think – if only for a few seconds – that some guy might have slipped in the back door while I wasn’t looking, gone into my teevee room, and started speaking in impassioned tones about… merchandise.

And here I am writing about him, so I guess that means his tactics work.

DAMN YOU, BILLY MAYS!!!